myDIARY
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Eventually I'll learn how to put a real table of contents right here that you can click on.
#5- The Powers That Humble
#4- I accidentally keep having the best weekends of my life.
#3- Hey
#2- Growing up and breaking up
#1- The pursuit of happiness at 23
#5- The Powers That Humble
07/08/26
If I were writing this two months ago, I would've told you that I was the happiest I've ever been in my life. My mental health was so good I didn't think twice about it, my physical health was skyrocketing, I was nourishing my soul, mind, and friendships, I started a production company, and I had just secured a new big-time job. I was truly at an all-time high!
Since then, I've started my new job. It's going pretty well. It's my first "real" full-time job post grad. I wear kitten heels to the office every day. I'm having an identity crisis, because I really never thought I'd be in an office like this. Ultimately, I want my job to feel more personal to me at my core. I don't feel connected to the work I'm doing right now. I'm doing some awesome and important work, but I don't feel insanely passionate about what I'm producing. Me at my core is sparkles, hot pink, trashy, sexy... all things that can't exist in the ways I wish they could 8-5 M-F. That's really hard for me. I know. Grow. Up. And just work this job. But at the same time... there's a world where I don't have to do this. There's a world where I'm a full time Music Video Star!!!! And not an office siren.
I'm also about to move across town (it's not actually across town, but there is a distance to be acknowledged). This move is truly one of the most bittersweet things I've faced in a while. I am so sad to move out of this house and neighborhood that I love so much. This is the first house I've loved this deeply. I've curated the room of my dreams. I live in the neighborhood of my dreams. Everything I love is a 10 minute drive away. I'm excited to move and explore a new neighborhood, to decorate a new room, and connect deeper with my new roommates. I know it's going to be such an exciting new phase of my life. The house I'm moving to is already a home. A gorgeous home. A girl house! What I've always craved. I am excited! It's just a little scary.
Lots of transition happening. I'm feeling a little dull these days. My sparkle has diminished and I blame it on my job and the upcoming move. I'm hoping once I'm settled, I'll find a new groove and discover new parts of myself and my old sparkle will shine through. And life will be exciting again. I've been surrounded by some amazing friends and experiences and I am so grateful for them. I'm trying to make time for my personal creativity, but it feels a little draining sometimes, especially when I'm forcing uninspiring creativity during the day for my job.
I've been feeling misunderstood recently. I think this has to do with a couple things. Making new best friends in your mid 20s is funny. They're meeting a version of me that's rediscovering myself. I guess I'm always rediscovering myself, but it feels more prominent now than it ever has before. They don't know the version of me that my other best friends do. The high school me who played volleyball very intensely (it was my whole life), that posted YouTube videos, that was insanely self-deprecating and depressed, but in a way that was... funny? They don't know college me who didn't go to football games because I didn't care, the me that was so broke and couldn't ever do anything, obsessed with dating apps, and was also extremely depressed (but didn't fully know it). They know the me that has big crazy dreams of becoming a popstar, is obsessed with creating on Instagram in a way I never have before, and that is a little more quiet now than I used to be, for some odd reason. I want them to know all of me, but how do you even go about introducing all those other parts of you? It's kinda like watching Game of Thrones. Seems like too much to get into so I'm not even gonna try. It'll happen when it happens.
Some goals for myself:
- I love to take selfies and make videos of myself, but recently when someone else has a camera on me, I get bashful and suddenly feel like I don't know what to do. Hello??? Actually what is that? So I want to get in front of the camera more. Videos and photos. Music Video Star!
- I want to let my personality shine. Recently when I'm in a room full of people, I find myself to be quiet and observant. I think I've always been like this, but it's more apparent to me now. I love getting to know people, but why haven't I been doing it as much? Do I feel weird and insecure and self-conscious? Maybe. A new feeling for me. I'm not feeling as funny as I once was. Why? I don't know. I think this is adding to why I feel misunderstood, because I'm not presenting myself as anything for people to understand. I need to find my current vibe and flow with it, and let the whole world see!
- Find time for a routine. Since starting my new job, it's been hard to find time for myself AND my social life. I've been prioritizing my social life, and negating a lot of things in my personal life. I'm not going on as many walks or bike rides or cleaning my room or doing my laundry as often as I should. This has made my life feel so crazy. Understandably so. I think moving and getting settled in my new house will definitely help, but I would love to find some temporary solutions for the next couple of weeks.
I knew life was getting too good to be true a couple months ago. The powers that humble had to step in and make sure I wasn't getting too big for my britches.
xoxo
#4- I accidentally keep having the best weekends of my life.
03/15/26
I came to Knoxville this weekend. Me, Gabby, and Maddie took a girls trip here to see Wednesday (they had a an extra ticket and extneded the invitation (I was so exciteddd!!!)). Us girls stayed with our three friends Sam, Jake, and Lukas. We have been sleeping in their big living room and they have been very hospitible. I love coming to visit them. They have a very nice apartment for a boy apartment.
I went to college in Knoxville for four years. I've been living in Nashville for the past almost two years. It's really awesome to come back to a city where you were so used to living one way after you've detatched from it. A weird feeling, but a good feeling. So much love and joy in my heart.
xoxo
#3- Hey
02/15/26
Hi. Long time no diary. Where oh where do I even begin.
I just read my other two entries. Enough time has passed where I can look back and see the different headspace(s) I was in when I wrote those. Since then, I have moved to a new house, decorated the room of my dreams, and I'm a little further down the road of figuring out what I want to do with my life.
Who is Abigail Rucker at 24? That's the big question I've been trying to find an answer to.
How am I doing this? I'm saying yes a lot more. This helps me break my routine and naturally creates new life opportunities and experiences. It has been awesome. I'm finding my sparkle and it is an amazing feeling. I'm in a season of loving learning about myself. I think it's a beautiful thing to live life pursuing your dreams. It makes life feel purposeful and gives me a sense of direction. Moving to Nashville had felt like I was floating in a cloudy abyss until I started changing my mindset. Floating wasn't so bad, but it was getting boring and honestly kinda pathetic. I like living life with a purpose.
Here are some things I've learned about my 24 year old self so far:
-I want my career to be creative. I need to be passionate about my work. This I always knew, I just didn't really know what that would look like. I love to make people feel confident through digital creation. I especially love to do this for divas. I am good at dreaming up a vibe. So I think I need to be a creative director. I learned this about myself through finding my love for Instagram. I've always loved Instagram, but I've recently starting using it in a different way than I ever have. Almost like a portfolio. Yes, this is done allllll the time, especially for creatives, but I didn't know how to go about it for myself. I haven't really done much work for other people, but I've created so much digital content revolving around ~myself~. I'm just so obsessed! So... in order to showcase my skills, I've started creating awesome things of me for my Instagram. This not only makes my Instagram a fun creative hobby, but also gives me something I can actually show for myself in a more professional way. Idk. It's been fun and has helped me get back into creating. It is hard sometimes in a silly way because I force Cate to take pictures of me all the time so I have something to edit. I do just love being in front of the camera. What a beautiful blessing.
-I want to be a popstar so bad. I've always wanted this. The only problem is that I can't sing or dance. BUT I honestly think if I just started taking lessons I could do both of those things. I'm not a horrible singer. I'm not great, but it could definitely be worse (especially since I started learning lyrics to songs and can understand what they're about and can add more emotion into my performances in my car, bedroom, shower, etc.). I'm going to a dance class this week. I'm so excited. If this is my dream, why not take steps towards achieving it? Imagine how awesome life would be if I made my biggest dream come true!!!! Oh, but I also don't know how to write music. But I could learn!!!!
Ok, honestly I'm tired and fingers have done too much typing. I would LOVE to talk to you about any of this in further detail if you so wish. Talk to me!!!!!!!!
xoxo
#2- Growing up and breaking up
09/10/25
One of the joys of growing older is that you actually start to live through emotions and feelings you've always heard about. I have always tangentially related to things people talk about (like breakups), but I never truly knew what it was like (until now). I felt similarly to the feeling of yearning a couple weeks ago. As the days pass, I'm truly feeling extremely grateful to be able to live through and feel these human emotions.
I used to be a serial dating app dater. Meaning-- I loved flirting, talking to, and going on dates with people, but never actually being in a relationship them. Whether that was because I didn't want to be tied down or none of them were worthy, we'll never really know. I recently went through my first real breakup from my first long term relationship. I've never had to navigate these feelings for myself, but there's a sense of familiarity because my friends are always talking about them. It is way different when you're the one living in these emotions.
One thing that has always lingered in the back of my mind is that I don't really know what true love looks like. My parents seperated basically right when I was born, so I didn't grow up seeing parents in love. Sure, my friends had parents I could look up to for this kind of thing, but that's from afar. A big insecurity of mine in relationships ~I'm now realizing~ is that I don't know what this is supposed to look or feel like. Sure, every relationship is different, but I'm starting from ground zero. In some ways, I'm extremely grateful for this because it allows me to form my own relationship with love. I can make it what I want it to be for me. At the same time, part of me wishes I had a little bit of a reference to start with.
I've said this before and I will always mean it, I am who I am because of my friends. I admire each of my close friends so much. I not only see myself in them, but they influence who I am SO much.
Does this make sense? Cannabis-induced train of thought incoming btw. I just described friendship. Lol.
All of this to say, part of me has been wondering what it would be like to have had my close friends around me the whole time I was in the relationship. It got to a point where I was in a new city, wasn't living with people I knew and loved, and didn't really have any close friends in the same city at the time. This lead me to fully invest all of my time into me in the relationship. By the time I made close friends and my best friend got back to town, we were broken up.
Now, I finally feel like Nashville is becoming home. For so long I thought I hated it. Now that I have my friends, I am so much happier, and have things to do outside of a relationship. I wonder if I still would have spent so much time focused on prioritizing time with my boyfriend if I had this community around me the whole time.
All of these feelings are making me grateful for what I'm experiencing and makes me want to live my life to the fullest. Of course it sucks, but I'm now imagining how boring life would be if I never felt these emotions. Life is a beautiful thing and as I grow older I'm starting to truly appreciate every aspect of it.
xoxo
#1- The pursuit of happiness at 23
08/13/25
I'm coming up on my 24th birthday. Call me crazy, but I really do feel, in real time, like I'm growing up. I feel my brain maturing.
One big reason I feel like this is because of the way I'm starting to appreciate media.
Before, I never felt truly immersed in media like all my friends did. The way they felt about Justin Bieber, One Direction, Taylor Swift, certain movies and TV shows, I never felt like that. I felt left out, but not enough to really care that much. I was never a fangirl. But I wanted to be. If I can't honestly fangirl over things, I just won't. I could totally see where they were coming from, but I never understood how it was that serious...
I think because I am growing up, experiencing more life, I'm meeting new emotions and am finally able to connect deeper with media now. Music, movies, tv shows, and books are helping me realize things about myself and my emotions. One of the most recent feelings I've unlocked is ~yearning~.
What unlocked this feeling you may be wondering? Oh just "The Summer I Turned Pretty" season 3 episode 5. The way Conrad sees her. The episode so was beautifully shot. She was golden, she was glowing, she was beautiful. I yearn for someone to see me like he sees her. I yearn for someone to love me like he loves her. I want my life to feel like the way he sees her.
I know it may sound like I'm just yearning for love, but I think what I'm really yearning for is true happiness in life. I think that if I live my life like the way Conrad sees Belly, I will be happy. Live my life romantically. Seeing the beauty in things, and doing things to make myself feel like that. Pure Bliss!
I've struggled with figuring out my true passions and deciding what I want my life to look like. What do I see for myself in 5 years? I don't know! That's what I'm trying to find. Being able to feel media in this way is getting me one step closer. I'm accepting these feelings that I used to think were silly and unrealistic. This is what they mean by healing your inner child.
And that's the funny thing about life. It truly can be whatever you want it to be! You just have to make it that! I'm on my journey! And I hope you are too.
xoxo